unfinished

Human beings have a somewhat innate, somewhat inescapable need,  to belong to something, to affiliate themselves with a cause, this is only natural. We are always searching for this sense of gravity, this belonging is like gravity, it keeps are feet firmly on the ground. Without this we are reduced to floating matter, I have myself felt like this. I was stuck with painfully infinite motion sickness, until I decided to confront and connect and continue.

This is to accept the weight of reality, the painfully heavy and grim, dark and that would be the hardest to allow myself to be burdened with. “I feel everything, I worry about our state as human beings, I am always thinking about other people, I  am constantly think about the world” This is said without arrogance, this is said with pain in his face, pain not for himself, no, pain for my mental state, my state of self. This was said with the intention of waking me up from this spell, it is very easy to romanticise floating. Someone said this to me when I was in that state of emptiness, period of meaningless existing. My vacant-ness was so blindly obvious to this person. In my floating state it is easy to be defensive, when you have a problem and you are not yet yourself aware of your state, it is easy to be defensive.  It has stuck with me now, Connecting was engaging back into reality, this is to brace myself, to not escape without resolving things.   It felt like a purposeless life, the enjoyment become emptying, I become insatiable, not in healthy way, there is a healthy way of using the feeling on not being satisfied to drive you to always to continue, in hopes of reaching a higher point, the thrill is being conformable in the knowledge of knowing that there is no threshold.

This is my relationship with creating, after going through the process and I come to somewhat of a conclusion, I am never left with the feeling of satisfaction, quiet the opposite actually. if the day comes that i am satisfied for me I will know that I have lost my passion . Not that kind of inability to be sated, I become obsessive in replicating a connection, in hopes to full into one. Bear in mind I am very aware of what It is I need to reconnect with. Somehow I know, then what it is I am obviously avoiding, I am being a coward. I am taking the easy life, I am merely choosing to exist, that is also an aching form of existence, I am also in pain when choosing this. But this is pain is more painful than confronting everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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